Sirius’ Most Excellent Adventure
by The Utensils
Summary: Sirius' life with Remus is unexpectedly shaken up, leaving Sirius alone, and hurt. However, after nearly getting sexually mauled, he finds love in a place he never thought to look.


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

**Sirius' Most Excellent Adventure**

"But Remy bear, I love you!" Sirius whined to his wolfy lover.

"I know you do, but I think I'm going to try my hand at women now. How about that Tonks? I think I'd like to treat her like crap and then leave her once she gets pregnant with my werewolf spawn. Doesn't that sound lovely Siri?"

"Yeah…. That actually does sound awesome… but I don't care! You shouldn't leave me… Fine then, I'll try my hand at women too!" Before Lupin could answer, a spaceship crashed into the cardboard box he was living in. Sirius stood gaping for a moment, not accepting what had just happened, but then, out of the spaceship stepped the sexiest man Sirius had ever seen—even sexier than his Remy bear.

"One small step for man, one giant step for mankind!" the man proclaimed.

"What the fuck did you do to my house?!" Remy bear whined.

"OMG! There's life on the moon! Lance! Lance, sweety! We've just stumbled upon some aliens!"

"Aliens! We ain't no aliens! And you just destroyed my cardboard box that I put years of remodeling into!" Remy bear, continued to whine.

"Crap!" Lance Proudfoot said to Neil, the first man that spoke. "I think we crashed, we're not actually on the moon baby."

"Oh well, no problem, we'll just shoot the whole thing in a studio." Neil answered.

"WHAT ABOUT MY HOUSE?!" Remy bear whined some more. Everybody ignored him.

Sirius wanted to ask either if the gorgeous astronauts out, but they were obviously muggles, and it would be uncool for a wizard to date a muggle. Sirius apparated to Hogsmeade and left Remy bear to deal with his homeless problem, and. When Sirius got to Hogsmeade, he saw the ugliest, foulest and most disgusting creature he had seen in his life—a female version of Remy bear. Sirius ran in the other direction screaming, he never wanted to see something that hideous again. Sirius was walking down the street, when he proceeded to get mauled by a cougar. Sirius screamed for help, while thinking, WTF?! Why is there a cougar in hogsmeade?! Then he remembered that it must have been weird for a stag, a giant dog, a wolf and a small rat to be wondering around Hogwarts. That's when it hit him, the thing that was attacking him wasn't a cougar, it was actually the very hideous, old, Remy bear woman! She was mauling him in a way that was both sexual and malicious. He didn't know why she was mauling him, but he wasn't sure if he liked it, or hated it. "Gerroff me! Gerroff me!" Sirius cried. The cougar—I mean woman, finally stopped. "Why are you mauling me like a cougar?" he asked.

"Because, I am a cougar. I'm old, and I pray on young hot things like you," she said.

Sirius realized how much danger he was in. It was impossible for a young hot thing like him to resist the cry of a cougar. Sirius ran away immediately, he had to get out of thee before she overtook him. He needed help, and badly. He knew just where to go. He apparated there right away.

Knock, knock.

Sirius waited at the door of his destination. The door finally swung open to reveal a girl with a very hopeful look on her face. "Hi Hope Green," he said.

"SIRIUS! My pooky! Oh how I've missed you! Come on baby, let's make an M-rated fan fiction right here on the doorstep!" She squealed.

"No Hope, this isn't going to be one of those creepy M-rated fan fictions that goes into explicit detail on everything we do!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Fine, then what would you prefer? A lame K+ fan fiction?" Hope said indignantly.

"I don't know, the awesome author Forki hasn't decided how far I'm going to go with Bathilda." Sirius explained.

"WHO IS BATHILDA?! You better not be doing anything in the same room with her that's higher than K+!!" Hope screamed.

"I don't want to do anything with her, but I dunno if I can help it, she's a cougar!" Sirius said.

"A cougar?! Now you're running off to be with cougars?! Why don't you try someone your own age, and in a different gender…. LIKE ME!" Hope yelled.

"Hope, I implore you to see reason, the evidence that I don't want to be with this creepy cougar in incontrovertible!" Sirius said very seriously.

"IT IS NOT!" she cried.

"Oh, just forget it; you think that I'm waaay too good-looking to ever help me." Sirius decided. He realized how stupid it was that he had went to Hope, when there was someone much better who he should have asked for help in the first place. Sirius apparated there right away. "Sterling! Tricinia! (A/N: I picked this name because someone in the NSU bookstore came in with that name.) and of course, James! How lovely it is to see the Potters!"

"Lovely to see you too Sirius," said Tricinia, Harry's grandmother.

"Hey mate," Sirius said to James, giving him wizards dap. "I just saw Harry, he's doing well—hey wait a minute, you're not supposed to be alive!" Sirius said, just realizing this.

"Yeah, I know, but for some reason this author doesn't mind writing continuity errors. Also, I am the most awesome marauder, so if you and Remy bear are in this, then obviously I have to be too."

"Oh, well that makes sense," Sirius decided.

"So why are you visiting? I hope you're not here to beg for my undying love again, I already told you that I'm not gay. You're stuck with crappy Remy bear."

"No, that's not it; I know I could never have anyone as good as you. Besides, if I stole you away from Lacey—I mean Lily, she would most definitely say, 'what a terrible thing to do!'"

"Lmao, she totally would!" James agreed.

"Dude, did you just use muggle internet talk, when you're not actually on the internet?" Sirius questioned, with one eyebrow raised.

"Yes, I did, and put you're eyebrow down, you look like Draco Malfoy." James said defensively. Horrified at looking like "that malfoy boy" Sirius lowered his eyebrow at once. "Sirius, you must hurry with your problem, Remy Bear is going to be here any minute with his new boyfriend, and he doesn't want you here because he thinks it will be awkward." James said.

"His new boyfriend?!" Sirius said in outrage. "We only broke-up an hour ago! And he said he wanted to try women!"

"I know, but the heart wants what it wants, and Remy bear just simply fell in love." Said Stirling Potter, causing Sirius to jump because he forgot Stirling was there since he hadn't had any dialogue yet.

"It's been an hour! There is no way he fell in love in that amount of time!"

At that moment, Remy bear walked in with none other, Neil Armstrong, the bloke that crashed his rocket ship into his cardboard box.

"You're in love him now?!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Nah, I'm only dating him so that he can hook me up with a rocket ship to the moon," Remy Bear explained.

"Wait, what?" said Neil.

"Bullocks! I have to do another damn memory charm on him. Hermione do you think you could do it?" Remy bear asked, as Hermione conveniently wandered through the door.

"Well the only thing I've ever done was change my parents entire memory and made them move to Australia. I wouldn't say that counts though, I only know the theory."

"Fine, I'll do it… obliviate!" Remy bear shouted. Neil now had a goofy smile on his face, similar to the most charming smile to ever grace this earth, Gilderoy Lockhart.

"I like moon rocks." Neil said dumbly.

"What a coinky-dink! So do I! We should go to the moon together." Remy bear said with a big smile.

"Remy bear, you can't go to the moon," Sirius said simply.

"Why the bloody hell not?! I'm going to the moon!" Remy bear said stubbornly.

"Fine, go to the moon, see what happens." Sirius said simply.

"Why are you even here? James, I told you not to invite him! See how awkward this is?" Remy bear whined.

"I didn't invite him! He came here because he had some problem." James announced.

Remy bear felt his heart strings twinge for his old lover having a problem. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"A cougar is after me, and I don't know how to resist her!" Sirius cried.

"I'll kill her!" Remy bear said in a jealous rage.

"Why don't I have a chat with the dear," said Tricinia.

"Is she hot?" asked Stirling.

"Dude! What is wrong with you?!" exclaimed James. "A cougar never diasappoints! Who is she?"

"Bathilda Bagshot," Sirius said slowly.

"Dude, this is fate! That lady lives right next door with her creepy nephew! Go over there and have some wild cougar sex!"

"Oh great, now the rating is up to at least NC17 since you referenced sex," said Sirius, thinking of how unhappy Hope was going to be when she found out.

"Who bloody cares?! Just get your arse over there and do it!" James proclaimed.

"Wait a minute—" Remy bear began to protest, but Sirius no longer cared what he had to say. He left Godric's hollow, and walked next door. There Sirius found his cougar with her teeth barred and a walking stick in her hand.

"I knew you'd come, I also know that you will cum," she growled.

"Yep, definitely NC17," Sirius mumbled under his breath.

Sirius had awesome censored sex with Bathilda. Even though she was old, wrinkly, moved really slow, and had to stop in the middle because her hip was bothering her, Sirius knew at once that he was in love. He realized that it was true that someone could indeed fall in love after an hour.

"Marry me 'Thilda!" Sirius begged.

"But what about everyone thinking that you're an evil convict?" Bathilda asked.

"Oh, that's simple, I'll just fall behind a curtain, and obviously everyone will think I'm dead, and then I can start my new life with you." Sirius explained.

"Sounds good to me," 'Thilda bear said.

Then they made-out some more, but Bathilda had to eventually stop because her denchers were coming out.

All of sudden, while Bathilda was in the bathroom, a random black kid apparated into the room and grabbed Sirius, "I knew I could catch him! I knew he wasn't like smoke!" he shouted excitedly.

The End


End file.
